Talking to children about breast cancer

The short version

Being open and honest, in words that suit their age, usually helps children cope better than trying to protect them from the news.¹
Children often notice that something is wrong. Telling them yourself means they don’t hear it by accident or imagine something worse.
There are books, guides and charities to help, including Macmillan’s free guide and Breast Cancer Now’s list of resources.²

Before you talk

Think about what to say, and perhaps practise with your partner, a friend or your breast care nurse.
Choose a quiet time when you won’t be rushed.
Use the word “cancer”, so they don’t hear it elsewhere and feel confused.
Tell them what will happen: hospital visits, tiredness, hair loss, and who will look after them.

Under 5s: keep it simple and concrete. Keep routines as normal as possible. Reassure them that they’ll be looked after.
5 to 11: explain in simple, clear words. They may worry that they caused it, or that they can catch it. Reassure them that they didn’t, and they can’t.
Teenagers: be honest, and involve them. They may want information, or need space. Let them know it’s okay to carry on with their own lives.

Let them ask questions, and answer honestly. It’s fine to say “I don’t know”.
Keep routines going as much as possible.
Tell school or nursery, so they can support your child.¹
Show your feelings. It’s okay for children to see you’re sad sometimes.
Give them a job, such as helping with something at home, if they’d like one.
Keep talking, as their questions will change over time.

Breast Cancer Now has a list of books and organisations for talking with children, including:²

Macmillan’s free guide, Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer
picture books for younger children, such as Mum’s Purple Scarf and Nurse Ted
My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks, for teenagers
The Osborne Trust, which supports children and young people whose parent has cancer
Hope Support Services, for young people aged 5 to 25 when a loved one is seriously ill
Fruitfly Collective, with resources from experts in cancer care and parenting

Everyone’s treatment is different, so talk to your cancer team about what is right for you.